Admitting Defeat
by Tarafina
Summary: When Rachel forces Finn to admit why he can't forgive her, she has to admit why it was so easy to turn to Puck. :Puckleberry:


**Title**: Admitting Defeat  
**Category**: Glee  
**Genre**: Romance/Drama  
**Ship**: Rachel/Puck  
**Rating**: Teen  
**Prompt**: "I don't get it, Finn! Why can you forgive Quinn for SLEEPING with your best friend when all I did was kiss him?"  
"Because she wasn't in love with him!"  
"I...I'm not in lo-"  
"Yes you are, Rachel."- **puckrachel** drabble meme | part six  
**Word Count**: 3,718  
**Summary**: When Rachel forces Finn to admit _why _he can't forgive her, she has to admit why it was so easy to turn to Puck.

**_Admitting Defeat_**  
-1/1-

"Just… _leave it alone!_" he sighed, trying to walk away.

"No! I absolutely will _not!_" Hands on her hips, she marched up in front of him and stuck a finger into his face. "I want answers, Finn Hudson! And if you think you can just brush me off with your excuses and your 'It's better this way,' then you're _wrong!_" She smoothed out her shirt, took a calming breath, and frowned, her brows furrowed. "I refuse to believe that a relationship we spent a long time building and working on can end so abruptly over something so-so _meaningless!_"

He scoffed, rolling his eyes.

"What?" She glared at him. "You think I'm underestimating just what happened between Puck and me, because I—"

"That's just _it!_" he interrupted. "It wasn't _Puck_, was it? It…" He shook his head. "It was _Noah_…"

She stared at him like she didn't understand. But she did. A part of her did, even as she tried to avoid it, _ignore _it.

"Because that's who he _is _to you, Rachel. You're the _only one _who gets Noah while the rest of us are stuck with mean, jerky _Puck_."

"I think you're demoralizing somebody based on his past mistakes with Quinn… While I will admit that Puck has made some poor choices and his behavior doesn't always show what a good person he can be, I don't think he's truly a mean or-or _jerky _person!"

"And the slushee facials? They were, _what?_" He scoffed sarcastically. "His misunderstood way of saying _hi?_"

She frowned. "I don't understand what this has to do with anything… If you wanted to have a philosophical conversation concerning the merits of Noah Puckerman, I truly think there was a better time than when our broken relationship needs _mending_."

"Jesus, Rachel, you're not _hearing _me… I _can't _let it go. I-I can't just _be_ with you like it never happened…" He stared at her searchingly, throwing his hands up. "I see you and all I think is… Puck _kissed _her. She let _Puck _touch her…" He sighed, his head falling. "I can't forgive you for that."

"_Why?_" She burst out, her eyes filling with tears. "I don't get it, Finn! Why can you forgive Quinn for _sleeping _with your best friend when all I did was _kiss _him?"

"Because she wasn't _in love _with him!" he yelled, his hands fisting at his sides.

She reared back, her expression agape, her eyes wide. She laughed, confused and cracked. "I… I'm not in lo—"

He sighed, shoulders slumping, his anger melting away, replaced with resignation. "Yes you are, Rachel…" His jaw ticked and he licked his lips. "Look, I'm not—I can't pretend I _get _it, because I _don't_… You wanted to be with me, you _fought _to be with me… Through Quinn an-and Jessie and just… _all of it_. I really thought…" He looked away. "You convinced me, y'know? I thought you were different, that you wouldn't fall for Puck and his—his _stupid _charm, but…" He laughed sarcastically. "Then it _hit _me… You're in love with _Noah_…" He stared at her, his brows lifted. "I _tried_, Rachel. I was the best boyfriend I knew how to be, but I can't compete with a guy that you won't even admit you're in love with…"

She looked away, her tears overflowing and her teeth biting into her lip. "I don't… I didn't…" She shrugged, fiddling with her hands. "I didn't _know_…" she breathed, looking up at him with her big, brown, _wet _eyes. "You have to believe me, Finn. It wasn't as if I was leading you on. I-I never meant to do that to you. I _didn't_."

He swallowed tightly, nodding, taking a step back when she reached for him. "What I don't get is why you're still trying…" His brow wrinkled and he shook his head. "Why are you trying to get back with me when you know now?"

She pursed her trembling lips and ducked her head. "Do you realize how hard I had to try for you to pay attention to me? To _stay _with me?" She wiped her face swiftly and sighed. "I may love him, but I'm not so naïve that I don't recognize who he is…" Shaking her head, she looked up at him. "You really think he wants a monogamous relationship with _crazy _glee-freak Rachel Berry?" She smiled sadly. "You were reliable," she admitted. "You were sweet and goofy and you… you looked at me and tried _so hard _to love me despite my many flaws… I thought it could work. I… I honestly thought I could love you. And I _did_. I _do!_" She looked up at him, begging him to understand. "I loved you like any sixteen year old girl with half her heart left _can _love a boy…" She tucked her hair behind her ears, adding, "But I gave the other half of my heart away without even knowing it and when you finally saw me, when you finally _wanted _me, it… it was _too late_."

He nodded, staring at the floor a long moment. "So now what?" he wondered.

"Now…" She smiled up at him; her big, wide, I-can-do-anything stage-smile. "Now you get your happily ever after with Quinn and I… I stop trying to replace a boy who doesn't even know he had me in the first place…" She blinked rapidly against the on-set of tears.

"Okay…" He half-smiled, inhaling deeply. He moved to walk past her to leave, ending their relationship for good. No chance of a sequel. She wondered why there was relief for a brief moment; a flare of thankfulness that it was really over.

"Finn…" She whirled, looking up at him. "Do you think…? Will you ever forgive me?"

He looked back at her. "Yeah…" He nodded slowly. "Maybe when you're the old-Rachel… When you stop trying to be what I want and you're just… _you _again…" He stared at her meaningfully. "You were always _you _around him, y'know?"

Her brows furrowed. "Are you…?" She smiled, confused. "You can't honestly think we would work out…"

"Puck's different with you, Rach…" He shrugged. "He's _Noah _for you…"

She couldn't help the way her heart swelled; hope blooming. Just as quickly, it plummeted. "I don't want to hurt you…"

"I'm okay…"

"You have Quinn," she agreed, her eyes falling and then finding his again. "Does she make you happy?"

"We work, y'know?" He smiled lopsidedly, like the sweet boy she used to know, the boy she thought she could love. "I don't know if we'll last… But I know when I'm with her that she's only thinking of me… She only _wants _me."

Rachel chose not to remind him that it was Sam she wanted not so long ago. She didn't want to be the person pointing out Quinn's flaws and breaking Finn's heart, not _again_.

"You should go after him…" He nodded seriously, his warm brown eyes meeting hers. "He needs you in his life."

She shook her head. "He's with Lauren now. He—"

"He's trying really hard to love somebody else, 'cause he doesn't think he deserves the girl he really loves…" He half-smiled at the irony and shrugged, tucking his hands in his jeans pockets. "You guys could've saved a lot of people a lot of heartbreak if you weren't so…" He laughed under his breath. "Stubborn… Hard-headed…" His smile fell. "_Scared_…"

"You're rather insightful when you want to be, Finn Hudson," she murmured.

"I had a pretty awesome girlfriend for awhile… She taught me some things…" He grinned. "I'm kinda hoping we can still be friends… One day…"

"When it doesn't hurt so much."

He nodded. Letting out a long breath, he admitted, "I want you to be happy… I mean, I kinda wanted to hurt you at first… But I'm over it, I think. Or I'm trying to be…"

Her eyes were wide with concern. "I can't apologize enough…"

"It's all right…" He shrugged. "I got through Babygate, right? This… This should be easy."

She ducked her head thoughtfully.

"You gonna be okay?"

She smiled up at him tremulously. "I will…"

He grinned. "You were always the strong one, Rach."

"Yes." She smiled brightly, even though her chest ached. "I had to be though."

He looked back over his shoulder and shuffled his feet. "I gotta go. I-I promised Quinn I'd—"

"You don't have to explain," she assured. "It's okay. You can go."

He stared at her a moment longer but finally turned and left and she watched him go, watched the boy she had convinced herself she would spend a lifetime loving. The easy boy. The sweet, naïve, _right choice_. Why was it her heart had to be so fickle? Why did it have to turn at the most inopportune of times and set its sights on Noah Puckerman? It was gradual, of course. It happened without warning, creeping up on her until she couldn't ignore the feeling she got when he smirked at her or when he stood up for her or when he _sang _with her… She kept her distance, she put all of her attention and interest into Finn, but it didn't stop. It didn't fade away. It was always just _there_, in the peripheral, waiting to pounce and consume her. And now she had no distraction, no Finn to keep her from staring longingly at the object of her true desire. It was just her and the knowledge that if anybody could truly shatter her heart into a billion tiny fractured pieces, it was the boy she shouldn't take a chance on.

The excuses were many.

He could (probably _would_) end of breaking her heart.

He wasn't one for monogamy; in fact he and the word itself were synonymous.

He was putting all of his energy into pursuing Lauren Zizes and while Rachel thought it an ill-fit match, she'd broken up a relationship once before and it hadn't done her any favors.

He was a delinquent.

He thought she was _crazy_.

He _made _her crazy.

He _interrupted _her!

He didn't care a lick about Broadway or Idina Menzel or the Tony's…

Then again, she could put very few boys in that category, at least not many who enjoyed the company of females…

She began compiling a mental list to deter herself from even _considering _a relationship with Noah. She had her mind set that she would create a pie chart, a PowerPoint presentation, on why she shouldn't date him and the ramifications if she ever did. She began smiling as she walked out of the choir room and to her car. During the ride home, she sang loudly to the radio and told herself that she didn't need a man. She didn't need Finn or Noah or _any _man. She would focus on her career, she would get back to basics, she would put her heart back piece by piece… Only, there was a very large part of it that she had yet to retrieve from the star of her infatuation himself. She'd simply gotten used to living day by day with only half a heart, the majority of which was dedicated to Broadway and New York and a small part of which had made room for Finn. Perhaps it wasn't the all encompassing love she'd always dreamed of. It didn't consume her like thoughts and desires for Noah had, but… She had loved him, as much as she could.

She pulled into her driveway already wondering how it was she could mend a heart if she didn't have all the pieces when she spotted the beat-up blue pick-up parked in front of her lawn. She parked her own Prius next to her daddy's Lexus and climbed out of her car on shaky legs. _Now? _Of all times for him to pay her a visit, it had to be _now?_ She wondered if perhaps she could get away with backing out and circling the block until he gave up and drove home. She knew well that he had very little patience.

"I know that look, Berry. You ditch me and I'll just keep coming back."

Her eyes darted to the porch stairs where he sat, arms on his knees, brow lazily cocked in her direction.

He looked… _delicious_. Perhaps not the best adjective, but it was all she could think of in that moment. Being that it was March and there was still a chill in the air, he looked all too warm in his wife beater and open hoodie. She rubbed her hands together to keep the cold out while he looked like he was radiating with heat. She walked toward him, already wondering what his intentions for visiting were and how to monopolize the conversation so he didn't wonder about the tear-tracks on her cheeks.

"What a pleasant surprise finding you here, Noah," she greeted, pasting on a smile. "If you would like, I could ask my dads to set another place for dinner." She moved to walk past him; she'd take the time to come up with an excuse to get rid of him. Spending any large amount of time could not be good for her heart. But just as she climbed one stair and had her foot poised on the next, his hand wrapped firmly around her calf. She stilled automatically. When his fingers slid higher, over the rim of her knee-sock, drumming at the back of her bare knee, she felt her heart plummet to her stomach and her skin heat up with a tingling sensation of complete awareness.

"Finn called me," he told her, staring at the grass and still dragging his fingertips along her leg, tickling her thigh. "Said he was taking back what he told me before… That he was giving up any rights to all your crazy."

She pursed her lips. "I can't _begin_ to argue how demoralizing it is to know that I was spoken of like a piece of furniture being fought over in a divorce."

He chuckled. "Then _don't_…" He glanced up at her. "He told me to stay away from you last month… And I told him I would… 'Cause I've done some shitty things to him and they usually involve girls he's in love with…"

She frowned. "Noah…"

"No, just…" He sighed, leaning back against the porch stairs and dragging his fingers back down her leg, rubbing circles along her ankle absently. He stared out across her lawn with thinned eyes, a mimic of the expression he made when they broke up on the bleachers. "I wasn't gonna break up with you, y'know?" His brows furrowed. "Things with Quinn were complicated and you were nuts about Finn, but… That week with you was awesome…"

She smiled slowly, nodding. "I hadn't realized what a mistake it was, breaking up with you, until after I did it."

"You mean until Finn turned out to be such a douche?" he snorted.

She rolled her eyes. "He's made his mistakes… So have I."

"And leaving me was one of 'em?" He quirked a cocky brow up at her, lips twisted in a smirk.

"Must you be so arrogant?" she complained, muting her own grin.

He shrugged. "Works for me."

She couldn't argue that.

"Any other regrets with me, Berry?" His tone was gruffer, thicker, and his face turned purposefully away once more.

She nodded. "A few."

"You should'a kiss me when you were dating that Jessie kid," he told her.

"Contrary to popular belief, I am not, nor will I ever be, a _cheater_, Noah."

His lips pursed, brows knotted heavy over his dark, brooding eyes. "So let's say you were in love with me the whole time you were dating him… The whole time you were with _Finn_, too…" His jaw ticked. "Who're you really cheating on then…? _Me _or them?"

Her brows furrowed and all at once she felt the weight of his words drag her full body down until she was sitting next to him, staring at the ground. "Finn told you."

He glanced at her, shook his head. "I think I knew…"

"Then you agreed it would be _painfully_ unnecessary to engage in a relationship…" She shook her head. "We couldn't possibly work out!"

"Or we could work really well…"

He didn't turn to look at her as she stared incredulously at his side-profile. "Noah?"

He licked his lips. "You needed to be with Finn… Needed to know if that was gonna work or if he was really your Prince Charming…" He frowned. "And I needed to grow the hell up and figure out what makes me such a—Such a _jerk_." He smirked, glancing at her.

She stared at him wonderingly. "And have you?"

"Is Finn your prince?" he returned.

"Finn is… _a _prince… In some respects, I suppose. He's… What I should _want _to want… What I should see as perfect marriage material… Who I see fitting into my dream life in New York… _Only_… I don't want him…. I don't want to _marry _him… And when I think of New York, of Broadway, it's never Finn sitting in the audience with flowers—"

"Tiger lilies… Roses are clichés," he muttered.

Her expression softened. "Do you know why you're a jerk, Noah?"

"'Cause my mom thinks I'm a Lima loser and I'm half-sure she's right… 'Cause I keep waiting for the day I'm gonna turn into my deadbeat dad and prove her and everybody right… 'Cause it's easier being Puck, keeping people at arm's length, then it is to be Noah and fall in love with a girl who's bat-shit crazy…" He shrugged, ducking his head. "'Cept I fell anyway… And I watched her try to love dopey, douchey Finn… And I tried to move on, tried to be better and fall for somebody who's _nothing _like her…" He shook his head. "Nothing worked."

"You're better," she argued. "Better than the boy I first met who thought glee was stupid and slushee-facials were a good substitute for discussing hurt feelings…"

"Yeah, well, guess knocking up your best friend's girlfriend really makes you grow up…" he muttered.

"Some lessons are harder to learn than others… How we learn them isn't always pretty."

"What've _you_ learned?" he wondered, frowning over at her.

"That I can't fit myself into the girlfriend shaped spot next to Finn… That as much as I try to force myself to love somebody else, it can't and won't work… That facing my fears and accepting who I love is not who I expected may be hard but it's worth the extra work. That loving him is something I can't control and perhaps that's the best part of it…" She smiled at him. "I believe I've learned a lot, even if I wasn't willing to at first."

"And what're you gonna _do _about it?"

She reached for him, dragging her fingers through his 'hawk and scraping her nails lightly down the base of his neck, smiling proudly when his eyes fell shut and he leaned into her touch. "I'm going to take a chance and hope that he'll do the same… I'm going to stop making excuses and putting so much energy in avoidance…" She stroked his neck with her thumb, felt his hammering pulse. "I'm going to let myself love you, Noah. And if it happens to break my heart, then I'll be happy for the experience all the same."

"Could help you with your acting…" He turned to look over at her. "You can't pretend to know what love feels like until you've really felt it, right?"

"You make a very good point," she murmured.

"I'm gonna fuck up," he warned honestly. "Probably a lot."

She nodded. "I'm sure to make mistakes as well."

"But I'm gonna try…" He stared up at her earnestly. "I'll _always _try with you."

She cupped his face, stroking his cheek. "I believe you."

He turned his body, his hand falling to her knee, sliding easily up her thigh and beneath her skirt. His touch was soft, intimate, _right_. He gripped her thigh, his thumb rubbing circles, and he leaned up until his mouth settled firmly against hers. Her eyes fell closed and she felt the heat steal over her; the fireworks that bombarded her every sense, exploding behind her eyes, fire rolling along her skin. She breathed into his kiss, inhaling sharply through her nose and unwilling to pull back even as she grew dizzy. Their tongues battled for dominance, an endless fight where neither and yet both of them won. His other hand buried in her hair, gripped it at the nape of her neck and pulled her closer. Her heart banged hard against her chest, like it never had with any other boy. And she smiled then, because it was full, it was _whole_. She wasn't sure if she got the other half of her heart back or if the missing piece was replaced with half of _his_, but she finally felt complete, like she hadn't since they'd broken up that day on the bleachers and she walked away from him without knowing just what it was she was giving up.

When he finally pulled back, they were both panting, their foreheads touching. He dragged her in close and she rested her head on his shoulder, arms wrapped firmly around him. It felt good to be honest, she thought. Her mouth buzzed with the evidence of just _how _good. The truth was finally out and she could be happy for it. Finn knew, Noah knew, and _she _knew… They'd wasted enough time avoiding the inevitable, but she was back at his side and her world made sense once more. Here she could be herself; crazy, loud, opinionated and somewhat self-involved Rachel Berry. And he would accept her for it; he would _love_ her for it. Not despite it, not because he couldn't have someone else, not because he needed her for any other reason but to have her, to be with her. She couldn't say for sure that they would make it, but she knew, at least, that they would give it a fighting chance.

That day, Rachel Berry gave up on Finn Hudson and finally admitted defeat to her love for Noah Puckerman, and she finally got it right.

[**End.**]


End file.
